So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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