Fine. I'll sleep in my office
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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