i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
