I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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