She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
