I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Randomize
