Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
