"it" just moved
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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