Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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