lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
