The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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