You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
