tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Pooping to opera.
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