Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
