Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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