you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
