I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
