so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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