i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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