What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
