My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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