fuck your aforementioned shoe
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS