so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
