grandma shit on top of the toilet
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just googled if crying burns calories
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
