and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
