I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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