I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
