I CAN MOONWALK!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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