they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
