this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
