what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
false alarm. still invincible.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
