I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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