I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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