Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
