Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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