A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
