I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
