Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
