I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.