she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
