I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
