we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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