I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
