So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
