It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
