if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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