This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
