if you like me you must not know who I am
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
