She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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