hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
