I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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