the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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