dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I understand Curling. That high.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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