The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
