He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
