I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
