He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
