mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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