Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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