you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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