Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
